Scene 2
(Waiters and waitresses skate around, holding trays. A bar is nearby, with a table center
Elizabeth and Freddie sit at the center table, Derek and Tammy are around the bar. Lights go to
normal.)
FREDDIE
Hello… Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH
Hello… Freddie.
(They laugh. A waitress, the seductive Claire Voyant, skates up.)
CLAIRE
Well, hi there. Welcome to Club Helium. What can I get you to drink tonight?
ELIZABETH
I’ll have a tequila, no lemon.
CLAIRE
Mmmhmm. And you?
FREDDIE
I’ll have the same.
(He hands her the menu. They exchange a glance.)
CLAIRE
Don’t I… know you?
FREDDIE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CLAIRE
One tequila…
FREDDIE
No… lemon.
(They both take in a breath.)
CLAIRE
All right.
(She skates away.)
FREDDIE
It would appear we have similar tastes.
ELIZABETH
We shall see.
FREDDIE
You’re a mysterious woman.
ELIZABETH
I don’t like to give too much away.
FREDDIE
Ah, yes. I could tell by your dress. Anyway, would you say you’re a… rough… individual?
ELIZABETH
I’m just a girl who likes to have a good time.
FREDDIE
Me, too. A guy, I mean.
ELIZABETH
I assumed so.
FREDDIE & ELIZABETH
(Simultaneously) Of course, I like to be in charge. Ohhhh.
(They laugh.)
ELIZABETH
Well, it seems we do have a lot in common.
FREDDIE
It would appear so.
ELIZABETH
Beautiful night, isn’t it?
FREDDIE
A beautiful night for a beautiful couple.
ELIZABETH
Awww. That’s cute.
(She pokes his cheek. He is disconcerted by this.)
FREDDIE
You know, we’ve so much in common, you and me, and the night is so young and so beautiful, I just can’t see how anything could go wrong.
(CLAIRE has come back with the drinks.)
CLAIRE
Here are your drinks.
FREDDIE
Well thank you very much.
(Freddie and Elizabeth begin to drink. Freddie finishes his drink quite quickly. Elizabeth just looks at him.)
ELIZABETH
Did you enjoy your drink?
FREDDIE
Yes I did, thanks….are you done with yours?
ELIZABETH
Um…no…not quite…
(Freddie takes the drink from her and finishes it)
FREDDIE
You know, I really can’t take my eyes off of your…your…(stares at her chest)…dr..dress.
ELIZABETH
Well, gee. Thanks!...I think…
FREDDIE
Oh, you’re more than welcome!
(Freddie, picks the knife off his plate, and reaches over, slowly inserting the knife into her cleavage. She sits there, staring in disbelief. He then starts slowly pulling it out and pushing it back in until he notices the look on her face. He pulls it out.)
ELIZABETH
What the hell was that?
FREDDIE
What do you mean?
ELIZABETH
You just violated my boobs with your knife!
FREDDIE
Which means….?
ELIZABETH
Which means you’re a crazy son of a bitch!
FREDDIE
Good god you are uptight. I thought you would like it!
ELIZABETH
That’s not the point!
FREDDIE
Well what is the point!?
ELIZABETH
God, nevermind.
FREDDIE
Lovely. I think I’m gonna just… go… to the bathroom.
ELIZABETH
Take… your time.
(He gets up and moves to Derek at the bar. Attention focuses to Derek and Tammy at the bar.)
TAMMY
Do you come here often?
DEREK
No. I usually do that at home.
TAMMY
…..oh….have you ever been to Club Helium before..is what…I meant..
DEREK
No. This is my first time. You?
TAMMY
No. It’s my first time too, and you know, it’s just a bit over-stimulating.
DEREK
I know exactly what you mean, with all the lights and everything. I’d much rather be home.
TAMMY
Me too. I got dragged here by my friend.
DEREK
Me too.
TAMMY
Really? Wow, we’ve got a lot in common.
FREDDIE
Derek! Derek, let’s get out of here.
DEREK
Now, wait a minute. I was gonna stay a bit.
FREDDIE
You stay here, I’m going home. I’ve got to escape this blind date from hell!
(He leaves.)
TAMMY
Well, that was interesting.
DEREK
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a friend.
TAMMY
The one who dragged you here?
DEREK
Yeah.
TAMMY
You know, sometimes people don’t –
ELIZABETH
Psst.
(She attracts Tammy’s attention.)
Psst.
TAMMY
(Moving to the table) What?
ELIZABETH
I’m getting out of here. My date just went to the bathroom and I can’t take him anymore.
TAMMY
So you’re gonna ditch him?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
TAMMY
Well, I’m staying here for a bit.
ELIZABETH
Really? Wow, Tammy, good for you. Now, I gotta scram before the creature from the black lagoon comes back!
(She exits. Tammy moves back to the bar.)
TAMMY
Seems like my friend is leaving, too.
DEREK
Ha. What a small world. Buy you a drink.
TAMMY
I don’t have any money.
DEREK
That’s why I said I’m gonna buy you one.
TAMMY
Oh. Right.
DEREK
Barkeep! A drink!
(The bartender pops up from behind the bar.)
BARTENDER
All right, what can I get you?
DEREK & TAMMY
I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.
(They gasp and look at each other.)
DEREK
Wow….you know…you really are pretty…
TAMMY
I know..I MEAN! You are to…HANDSOME…
DEREK
I keep getting lost in your eyes…
(The waiters and waitresses gather around the table, flanking it admiringly, and at the top of the table, Derek and Tammy go in for the most fantastic kiss ever. Blackout.)
GOD
Moral of the story….BLIND DATES DON’T WORK!
(Waiters and waitresses skate around, holding trays. A bar is nearby, with a table center
Elizabeth and Freddie sit at the center table, Derek and Tammy are around the bar. Lights go to
normal.)
FREDDIE
Hello… Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH
Hello… Freddie.
(They laugh. A waitress, the seductive Claire Voyant, skates up.)
CLAIRE
Well, hi there. Welcome to Club Helium. What can I get you to drink tonight?
ELIZABETH
I’ll have a tequila, no lemon.
CLAIRE
Mmmhmm. And you?
FREDDIE
I’ll have the same.
(He hands her the menu. They exchange a glance.)
CLAIRE
Don’t I… know you?
FREDDIE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CLAIRE
One tequila…
FREDDIE
No… lemon.
(They both take in a breath.)
CLAIRE
All right.
(She skates away.)
FREDDIE
It would appear we have similar tastes.
ELIZABETH
We shall see.
FREDDIE
You’re a mysterious woman.
ELIZABETH
I don’t like to give too much away.
FREDDIE
Ah, yes. I could tell by your dress. Anyway, would you say you’re a… rough… individual?
ELIZABETH
I’m just a girl who likes to have a good time.
FREDDIE
Me, too. A guy, I mean.
ELIZABETH
I assumed so.
FREDDIE & ELIZABETH
(Simultaneously) Of course, I like to be in charge. Ohhhh.
(They laugh.)
ELIZABETH
Well, it seems we do have a lot in common.
FREDDIE
It would appear so.
ELIZABETH
Beautiful night, isn’t it?
FREDDIE
A beautiful night for a beautiful couple.
ELIZABETH
Awww. That’s cute.
(She pokes his cheek. He is disconcerted by this.)
FREDDIE
You know, we’ve so much in common, you and me, and the night is so young and so beautiful, I just can’t see how anything could go wrong.
(CLAIRE has come back with the drinks.)
CLAIRE
Here are your drinks.
FREDDIE
Well thank you very much.
(Freddie and Elizabeth begin to drink. Freddie finishes his drink quite quickly. Elizabeth just looks at him.)
ELIZABETH
Did you enjoy your drink?
FREDDIE
Yes I did, thanks….are you done with yours?
ELIZABETH
Um…no…not quite…
(Freddie takes the drink from her and finishes it)
FREDDIE
You know, I really can’t take my eyes off of your…your…(stares at her chest)…dr..dress.
ELIZABETH
Well, gee. Thanks!...I think…
FREDDIE
Oh, you’re more than welcome!
(Freddie, picks the knife off his plate, and reaches over, slowly inserting the knife into her cleavage. She sits there, staring in disbelief. He then starts slowly pulling it out and pushing it back in until he notices the look on her face. He pulls it out.)
ELIZABETH
What the hell was that?
FREDDIE
What do you mean?
ELIZABETH
You just violated my boobs with your knife!
FREDDIE
Which means….?
ELIZABETH
Which means you’re a crazy son of a bitch!
FREDDIE
Good god you are uptight. I thought you would like it!
ELIZABETH
That’s not the point!
FREDDIE
Well what is the point!?
ELIZABETH
God, nevermind.
FREDDIE
Lovely. I think I’m gonna just… go… to the bathroom.
ELIZABETH
Take… your time.
(He gets up and moves to Derek at the bar. Attention focuses to Derek and Tammy at the bar.)
TAMMY
Do you come here often?
DEREK
No. I usually do that at home.
TAMMY
…..oh….have you ever been to Club Helium before..is what…I meant..
DEREK
No. This is my first time. You?
TAMMY
No. It’s my first time too, and you know, it’s just a bit over-stimulating.
DEREK
I know exactly what you mean, with all the lights and everything. I’d much rather be home.
TAMMY
Me too. I got dragged here by my friend.
DEREK
Me too.
TAMMY
Really? Wow, we’ve got a lot in common.
FREDDIE
Derek! Derek, let’s get out of here.
DEREK
Now, wait a minute. I was gonna stay a bit.
FREDDIE
You stay here, I’m going home. I’ve got to escape this blind date from hell!
(He leaves.)
TAMMY
Well, that was interesting.
DEREK
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a friend.
TAMMY
The one who dragged you here?
DEREK
Yeah.
TAMMY
You know, sometimes people don’t –
ELIZABETH
Psst.
(She attracts Tammy’s attention.)
Psst.
TAMMY
(Moving to the table) What?
ELIZABETH
I’m getting out of here. My date just went to the bathroom and I can’t take him anymore.
TAMMY
So you’re gonna ditch him?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
TAMMY
Well, I’m staying here for a bit.
ELIZABETH
Really? Wow, Tammy, good for you. Now, I gotta scram before the creature from the black lagoon comes back!
(She exits. Tammy moves back to the bar.)
TAMMY
Seems like my friend is leaving, too.
DEREK
Ha. What a small world. Buy you a drink.
TAMMY
I don’t have any money.
DEREK
That’s why I said I’m gonna buy you one.
TAMMY
Oh. Right.
DEREK
Barkeep! A drink!
(The bartender pops up from behind the bar.)
BARTENDER
All right, what can I get you?
DEREK & TAMMY
I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.
(They gasp and look at each other.)
DEREK
Wow….you know…you really are pretty…
TAMMY
I know..I MEAN! You are to…HANDSOME…
DEREK
I keep getting lost in your eyes…
(The waiters and waitresses gather around the table, flanking it admiringly, and at the top of the table, Derek and Tammy go in for the most fantastic kiss ever. Blackout.)
GOD
Moral of the story….BLIND DATES DON’T WORK!
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